Hey all: Well the summer is here and the weather is the most tempermental that I have ever seen. One day the AC is need the next day the heater needs to be on. We have not had any significant warmth this year. Also the lack of rain for a while was worrisome.
Like the weather my moods have been mercurial, while I was doing the painting and getting things ready to sell I was so enthusiastic but now I have a hard time getting out of bed. The blues have struck me. And I don't mean the musical kind. Each day is a struggle. I have not been to the gym in almost a month and I don't have any energy to go. I would rather sit on my butt and read.
Both kids are going on holidays on Friday and I am staying home and feeling sorry for myself, how pathetic is that. I really don't have the money to go anywhere so here I stay.
My friend L is planning on coming out here for a visit and to tell the truth I don't want her to come, but how do I tell her that.
My friend D downstairs has listed her place at a bargain basement price and I will be glad to see her sell her place and be gone from here, I will not miss her at all. That may sound harsh but she is difficult to be friends with.
I am beginning to see a pattern in this lows and highs with me, I wonder if I am bipolar. The depressions are hard to overcome.
TTFN
Jake
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
WHERE IS HE WHEN I NEED HIM THE MOST
Hey all: Well as the title says where is he when I need him the most. Our daughter has some kind of growth on her brain and I don't know how I am going to handle all the stuff that goes along with the treatment. We have to wait for another MRI to pinpoint the growth and the region of the brain where it is located.
I could not handle it if something happened to her, she is my life. She is the one that keeps me sane and keeps me on an even keel.
What would I do if I lost her, I could not live without her, her Dad should be here with me now helping me to cope with this news.
I feel so alone and helpless, I was never like this. I was always the take charge person and was the strong one who gave hope and encouragement. Now all I do is blubber and worry. Where did all my courage go?
I have become a weakling and a whiner. I do not want to live this way.
Also I am having memory problems, out of the blue my memory will complete wipe out a word, I will be standing there talking and all of a sudden the next word that I am about to say is gone from my mind. Is it stress or is it dementia?
Last week I was full out manic, never stopping, just going like a bat out of hell. This week I can barely function. Am I manic-depressive?
Where will it all end????
TTFN
Jake
I could not handle it if something happened to her, she is my life. She is the one that keeps me sane and keeps me on an even keel.
What would I do if I lost her, I could not live without her, her Dad should be here with me now helping me to cope with this news.
I feel so alone and helpless, I was never like this. I was always the take charge person and was the strong one who gave hope and encouragement. Now all I do is blubber and worry. Where did all my courage go?
I have become a weakling and a whiner. I do not want to live this way.
Also I am having memory problems, out of the blue my memory will complete wipe out a word, I will be standing there talking and all of a sudden the next word that I am about to say is gone from my mind. Is it stress or is it dementia?
Last week I was full out manic, never stopping, just going like a bat out of hell. This week I can barely function. Am I manic-depressive?
Where will it all end????
TTFN
Jake
Thursday, June 4, 2009
ENDURANCE
Hey all: Well I am on another voyage into the land of lows and seldom highs. Every night now I have been feeling the loneliness, and the hopelessness.
I always considered myself a strong woman with a high amount of energy about my goals and how to achieve them. Now I have no goals and I have no energy. This week I have barely stepped out of the apartment. I can hardly go down to check the mail. It almost seems like a cycle, although I think a lot of this has been brought about by my down slide after coming back from NYC. I got so ill and have not recovered from it and some days it is all I can do to get out of bed and function on a day to day level.
Last weekend I worked hard and came back exhausted and I think I perhaps did too much and did not realize it. Since coming home I can barely stand to go out of the apartment, almost like agoraphobia. Tomorrow is Chiro day and I was tempted to cancel that appointment and not go, but the headaches are getting too bad.
Do I need to go to see Dr. Greg again, last year I went back and we talked about my brother's suicide. That is again on my mind and I think it resurrects the other deaths and on the 22nd it will be 5 years since my sister died, every time I talk to her son I am taken back to the day that she died, there was no need for that early death, she like Bob did not take care of herself. Now I am doing the same thing. Is it a death wish?
Why are anniversary dates still haunting me, I should be able to handle these times better now , after all 5 years is a long time, but the memories still come back to me all the time.
I guess the loneliness is getting to me. Never in my life have I ever lived alone. Even when I was a single Mom I always had the kids there. I lived with my parents until I married and then I live with my husband and the kids as they came along. Then when I separated I live with my kids and sometimes my sister as well. Then once I met Bob I was a part of a couple again, and even though he was away for a month or two at a time I was still never really alone I knew he would be home. Now there is no one coming home and I miss him so much.
TTFN
Jake
I always considered myself a strong woman with a high amount of energy about my goals and how to achieve them. Now I have no goals and I have no energy. This week I have barely stepped out of the apartment. I can hardly go down to check the mail. It almost seems like a cycle, although I think a lot of this has been brought about by my down slide after coming back from NYC. I got so ill and have not recovered from it and some days it is all I can do to get out of bed and function on a day to day level.
Last weekend I worked hard and came back exhausted and I think I perhaps did too much and did not realize it. Since coming home I can barely stand to go out of the apartment, almost like agoraphobia. Tomorrow is Chiro day and I was tempted to cancel that appointment and not go, but the headaches are getting too bad.
Do I need to go to see Dr. Greg again, last year I went back and we talked about my brother's suicide. That is again on my mind and I think it resurrects the other deaths and on the 22nd it will be 5 years since my sister died, every time I talk to her son I am taken back to the day that she died, there was no need for that early death, she like Bob did not take care of herself. Now I am doing the same thing. Is it a death wish?
Why are anniversary dates still haunting me, I should be able to handle these times better now , after all 5 years is a long time, but the memories still come back to me all the time.
I guess the loneliness is getting to me. Never in my life have I ever lived alone. Even when I was a single Mom I always had the kids there. I lived with my parents until I married and then I live with my husband and the kids as they came along. Then when I separated I live with my kids and sometimes my sister as well. Then once I met Bob I was a part of a couple again, and even though he was away for a month or two at a time I was still never really alone I knew he would be home. Now there is no one coming home and I miss him so much.
TTFN
Jake
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
REMINDERS
Hey all: Well yesterday I got the autopsy results from my brother's death, which happened 2 years and 2 months ago, the government are so speedy in their paper work.
It was what I expected but to see it in writing is disturbing none the less.
He must have been saving his anti-depressants for a long time to have accumulated that many, the report said he had the equivalent of 288 in his stomach. He was only given enough for a week on a weekly bases. And to cover up the depression for that long indicates just how clever he was. What a waste of a life and such intelligence.
I miss his letters to me and I miss writing letters to him, he was my confidant and I knew whatever I wrote to him would never go any further. Talk about you captive audience.
I was also surprised that he had tried to kill himself a number of years ago and told them that he would do it again. Why did they not watch him more carefully, but I guess he was so cunning that he could pull the wool over their eyes.
He also had a few minor health problem and I am surprised he did not have more as he was self abusive for many years with the drugs and the booze, as well as his daredevil escapades, one he called his kamikaze skiing, just get to the top of the highest mountain and go like hell till he got to the bottom of the slope.
But I was not surprised that he did commit suicide as his life was not much of a life. I will miss him forever and love him forever.
Rosemary for Pat/Jimmy.
TTFN
Jake
It was what I expected but to see it in writing is disturbing none the less.
He must have been saving his anti-depressants for a long time to have accumulated that many, the report said he had the equivalent of 288 in his stomach. He was only given enough for a week on a weekly bases. And to cover up the depression for that long indicates just how clever he was. What a waste of a life and such intelligence.
I miss his letters to me and I miss writing letters to him, he was my confidant and I knew whatever I wrote to him would never go any further. Talk about you captive audience.
I was also surprised that he had tried to kill himself a number of years ago and told them that he would do it again. Why did they not watch him more carefully, but I guess he was so cunning that he could pull the wool over their eyes.
He also had a few minor health problem and I am surprised he did not have more as he was self abusive for many years with the drugs and the booze, as well as his daredevil escapades, one he called his kamikaze skiing, just get to the top of the highest mountain and go like hell till he got to the bottom of the slope.
But I was not surprised that he did commit suicide as his life was not much of a life. I will miss him forever and love him forever.
Rosemary for Pat/Jimmy.
TTFN
Jake
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
ENNUI
Hey all: Well today has been one of the worse days in a while, constant cramp and bleeding have made this a day not to remember.
I am almost at the end, if I don't start to feel better soon I will take the only option open to me. I guess basically what I am saying is that I have been headed that way since Bob died. I really don't want to go on without him.
Well I won't go on and on about this as what will happen will happen.
TTFN
Jake
I am almost at the end, if I don't start to feel better soon I will take the only option open to me. I guess basically what I am saying is that I have been headed that way since Bob died. I really don't want to go on without him.
Well I won't go on and on about this as what will happen will happen.
TTFN
Jake
Friday, May 8, 2009
MIXED FEELINGS
Hey all: Well the moving idea has reared its ugly head again and this time I think it is for real. I have real reservations about this move. I don't care for the city to which I am supposed to move, it is another large city and I would love to live in a small town again, but not in this province.
I wish to be closer to my daughter but she works a lot and has an active social life, so where do I fit in?
I don't know what to do, I am caught in a Catch 22 situation. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
TTFN
Jake
I wish to be closer to my daughter but she works a lot and has an active social life, so where do I fit in?
I don't know what to do, I am caught in a Catch 22 situation. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
TTFN
Jake
Sunday, May 3, 2009
RAISING EXPECTATIONS
Hey all: Yesterday was a good day. Minimal cramps and general all around optimistic day. Went out to St. A. for a drive and to see my friend EE. She brought me back a beautiful string of black pearls from Hawaii. They are lovely and maybe I will wear them.....I am not much for a person who wears jewelery. Maybe if I find something nice to wear to my granddaughters grad then I can wear them with that. I hope to go out this week and find something that will look good on me. I have gained back some of the weight I lost and feel really bloated, but you know what I don't give a rats ass, who is going to look at me anyway. I am a fat old broad with an attitude.
I actually thought about going to church today, I used to belong to the Unitarian Church and enjoyed it for the most part, but their services start at 10:30 am and I never know when I am going to get up and I don't know how I will be feeling that day. Today I could barely manage to do the laundry.
I am going through a binging thing right now also, that is making getting the colon under control hard...and of course my binging food is sweets.
Maybe I need a psychiatrist instead of a GI guy.
There is a joke my hubby used to tell and the punch line was "I am nuts and I am never getting out of here" well maybe that applies to me.
I actually thought about going to church today, I used to belong to the Unitarian Church and enjoyed it for the most part, but their services start at 10:30 am and I never know when I am going to get up and I don't know how I will be feeling that day. Today I could barely manage to do the laundry.
I am going through a binging thing right now also, that is making getting the colon under control hard...and of course my binging food is sweets.
Maybe I need a psychiatrist instead of a GI guy.
There is a joke my hubby used to tell and the punch line was "I am nuts and I am never getting out of here" well maybe that applies to me.
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